For a fixed water sign, I'm fucking emotional.
Al and I saw a double rainbow yesterday. Made me feel black inside. Things are not working in me the way they should; feels like my brain is stuck in a kind of three year loop - replaying the same garbage over and over... the details vary just enough to confuse me.
If I was a nun in a past life that would explain a lot.
It's always the same run around with me. All these projects around my apartment, taking up space, reminding me all the time that dust is a skin cell pile up.
I feel stuck and frustrated. For a supposedly creative person, I suck at multitasking. I'm too hedonistic and lazy to put in the long hours. If I can't have it my way I don't want it. I wanna have mad sex 24 hours a day, I want to work like a madman to pay off my debt and never work again. I wanna make art and use my days for the sole purpose of eating, fucking and drawing. I wanna live on Hana.
I'm really fucking pissed off that that's not my life. I'm really fucking pissed off that I'm a fucking average, apathetic, distracted and unfocused fucking lazy goddam American. Even if I manage to create something worth looking at what's the goddam point?
Making art is not easy for me. Art is why I get up in the morning, but my definition ends there, you know it doesn't seem fair that I'm living for something I can't even define.
1 comment:
Connie,
Fantastic post. I am back in Minnesota and I look forward to seeing you soon. we have been moving stuff, loading and unloading, putting together furniture and all manner of heavy lifting. Today we go out to look at houses... in a few weeks we might buy a home in Minneapolis... things can change from dark to bright so quickly.
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