Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Miscellaneous Futility, Fucking Unrealistic

For a fixed water sign, I'm fucking emotional.

Al and I saw a double rainbow yesterday. Made me feel black inside. Things are not working in me the way they should; feels like my brain is stuck in a kind of three year loop - replaying the same garbage over and over... the details vary just enough to confuse me.

If I was a nun in a past life that would explain a lot.

It's always the same run around with me. All these projects around my apartment, taking up space, reminding me all the time that dust is a skin cell pile up.

I feel stuck and frustrated. For a supposedly creative person, I suck at multitasking. I'm too hedonistic and lazy to put in the long hours. If I can't have it my way I don't want it. I wanna have mad sex 24 hours a day, I want to work like a madman to pay off my debt and never work again. I wanna make art and use my days for the sole purpose of eating, fucking and drawing. I wanna live on Hana.

I'm really fucking pissed off that that's not my life. I'm really fucking pissed off that I'm a fucking average, apathetic, distracted and unfocused fucking lazy goddam American. Even if I manage to create something worth looking at what's the goddam point?

Making art is not easy for me. Art is why I get up in the morning, but my definition ends there, you know it doesn't seem fair that I'm living for something I can't even define.