Thursday, August 28, 2008

I Have Been Asleep

In the front yard of the apartment building where I live is a Mountain Ash Tree. It's a beautiful tree in an awful state of decline that I feel partly resp- onsible for. I know technically it's the landlord's responsibility to take care of this tree but he's too busy/un-invested to care and I've grown attached to it. I love it's shade, it's little orange berries and the variety it adds to the trees on our block.

I've been watching it's decline all year hoping something could be done...

The part that kills me is that by late spring when it became obvious that the tree needed care I sat right in front of it and asked it what I could do, but I didn't believe the answer. I did not trust the voice that said, loud and clear: Water.

I thought I was missing something. How could the answer be so simple? Water? Surely it needed more than that, something complicated like special fertilizer or friendly fungus or more sunlight all of which I know nothing about or cannot actually control. It's really up to the landlord though, why should I even care? After all, it's not my tree. My thoughts would circle back to this stupid argument every time I looked at this tree. A few weeks later I asked the tree again what I could do to help. Again the answer was loud and clear, as if someone stood next to me saying it into my ear: Water.

I decided to leave a message or three for the landlord and water the tree a few times. I tried to let go of a feeling I didn't think I had any right to. How could I feel responsible for something that's not mine? Since it's not mine to worry about, I don't need to take care of it, right?

Where am I going with this? ALL spring and summer I've been watching this tree die feeling helpless to save it, making up all kinds of excuses why it's not my problem. It sucks. It's a crappy feeling watching a living thing die and not trusting my place in the sequence of events. So two days ago I called a tree service for an estimate to remove the dead branches. They told me it's in a "serious state of decline, looks like it's water deficient, trimming the dead branches is not a guarantee to save it."

Why don't listen to myself? Why don't I trust myself? Why does someone else need to tell me it's okay to make a contribution to the neighborhood and to the living Green Bloods that I cherish?

I know many people would say it's just a tree, it's not your problem, blah blah blah... but why on earth would I turn away from an opportunity to practice what I believe? If I can do something, anything that's within my means to do, to improve the quality of life for myself and all fellows within my realm, why the hell wouldn't I?

At what point do I decide to work for the world I desire?

*photo by sbpoet

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Thank You For Hearing Me

Thank you for hearing me
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for seeing me

And for not leaving me

Thank you for staying with me
Thank you for not hurting me

You are gentle with me

Thanks for silence with me
Thank you for holding me

And for saying I could be

Thank you for saying baby
Thank you for holding me
Thank you for helping me

Thank you for breaking my heart
Thank you for tearing me apart

Now I've a strong, strong heart
Thank you for breaking my heart

*Lyrics by S. O'Connor/Reynolds

Monday, August 25, 2008

I found this on PostSecret this weekend. I've been thinking about fear lately, namely what it means to me and how it manifests in my ability to Dream of Life... This was such a relief to see; it felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off my chest. I offer thanks to the person who voiced this. Thank you for helping me put my finger onto something that badly needed touching.

Friday, August 08, 2008

2 Letters, 2 Friends, 1 lost?

I'm so sorry that I didn't call you back, I actually just remembered that I said I'd call yesterday. I've been in a pretty rough place since I talked with you, I didn't realize then that it was just the beginning of a long stretch. I haven't been working enough, Al and I are still not quite good and I feel pretty much lost in my life. Lots of crying and living in a dirty house without groceries just feeds the fire. This is a strange loop to be in, sadly it's not the first time I've been in this spot... I'm trying to undo some old energy (from what lifetime or childhood..?) and it's painstaking work. I feel very strongly that I must do this work now, I must do it this way and have faith that it will pay off in the long run.

I start a new job next week so things should even out quite a bit - that happens when basic needs are being met:) So I'd really appreciate if we could postpone for a week or so, until I get my sea-legs at the new job. Thank you for understanding and for being kind and thoughtful.


i love you so much.
i'm completely lost in my life; i can't see the beauty inside me let alone the beauty in front of me in your wonderful hazel eyes.
sometimes i'm sitting right next to you missing you, aching for your closeness and it's just because i don't know how to ask for, how to act in, how to embrace and welcome love.
i'm so sorry i've been so mean to you and to myself.
i'm sorry i haven't found a way to tell you what's going on with me.
i'm sorry that it's taken me this long to realize how worthless i feel and that i need to change this before i can do anything else with my life.
i love you.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

A Dream, Blessings and Freedom

I dreamed last night an amazing dream I hope I never forget.

I was an angel living as a human on Earth. I was a photographer and collector of fine prints. One day, as I stood in my shop switching a photo from one frame to another, the artist who'd made the photo approached me and said that if this print was to have value and be distinguishable from all the others like it, it needed a message. She took the photo and began to write upon it.

As I waited for her to finish, I could hear a fellow angel in the room being called back. I turned to see her just as she vanished in mid-step. I recall feeling a little surprised; I'm surprised every time I see an angel do that. When I am called, I disappear gradually over the course of a few steps. I wonder, how do the others leave?

The woman next to me was showing me the words she had written but now I was unable to concentrate. I could feel her, sense her body, but the language was incomprehensible. The letters looked like children's writing. I stepped to my right, into the call, and in a few steps I was gone.

The next image in the dream is of the black-blue night sky, full of billowing dark blue-grey clouds, stars and city sparkle. The faint red glow of the city cast itself onto the bottoms of the clouds. I was in the clouds. My sense of my body was as a vast, living thing, like something vaguely more substantial than mist or the pressure of a strong wind. I was substantial only because I could feel myself held close in the body of the clouds. I felt like I was lying on cotton balls, arms and legs akimbo, in the night sky. The sky above me was clear. The place in the clouds where "I" was seemed to be a faint red/maroon tint in a crevice like space. But this is an inadequate description at best. I lay there, feeling so happy I (my dreaming self) could feel it back in my bed in my apartment. I was so happy I could feel tears of joy flash briefly through the field of clouds I was occupying. I was so incredibly light and filled with joy. Filled isn't quite right, "filled" implies that it was contained in some way. This was vast and mindblowingly wonderful; giddy doesn't begin to describe this.

For a moment I wondered if I would fall through the clouds.

Then I heard and felt such profound laughter... the kind of laughter you give yourself up to, disappear into. So consuming and healing was this laughter... What could I do but join in?

In the sweet silence that eventually followed, I could hear someone telling me that I should not worry. Didn't I know everything would be alright?